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March 2, 2017

I Did What?

I really liked my job at the car dealership, not only because of the nice people I worked with, but because I felt like I accomplished something at the end of the day and I felt needed in some small way. 

Having worked at the car dealership I knew I wanted to find another job that was similar, but maybe a company where I could grow.  It wasn't going to be as easy since I was too scared to use the car dealership as a reference.  I assumed after my sister called my boss and lied about me being evil, they wouldn't give me a good reference.

I did my best to concentrate all my time on finding another job and stay out of my mother and sister’s way as much as possible.  It wasn't easy because every time I left home to go look for a job, I came back home to questions about where I had been and accusations that I was sneaking off to meet the boy from church. 

Eventually Grace grew tired of convincing mother that I was sneaking around to meet boys to have sex.  It wasn't having the effect on mother that she hoped for.  It was time for Grace to come up with a better plan.

February 28, 2017

Stripped of All Hope

As I became further convinced that mother was right about me being stupid and worthless, I lost interest in school.  Instead I began looking for a job.

I went to school each day just long enough not to get in trouble.  I went to a couple of classes in the morning, especially my math class that I loved, and skipped the rest of the day. 

I didn't care when I heard some of the kids making fun of me in class because whatever they said about me I figured was probably true.  I was stupid, ugly, worthless and a loser.  I couldn't blame the other kids for making fun of me.

Instead of looking through the paper for jobs, I walked for hours every day going into stores and restaurants asking if they were hiring.  I found a job working one day a week taking delivery orders over the phone for a small pizza restaurant.  With my job as a popcorn girl at the theatre, that made three days out of the week that I was working.  It wasn't enough.  I had to find a full time job.

February 17, 2017

Scared To Be Happy

Scared To Be Happy

While I have strived to be happy my entire life, the truth is there is a small part of me that is always scared when I do feel happy.

It almost feels like I have a small narrator in my mind always reminding me to be careful because something bad will probably happen to take away the happiness I’m feeling.

I’m not a mental health professional, and I don’t believe I have cherophobia because I’m not scared of being happy, I’m just in a constant state of awareness that the happiness I feel might lead to something bad happening.

I believe this underlying fear or hyper awareness is due to the emotional and mental abuse I suffered as a child.

Even as a child, despite all the abuse, it was easy for me to find happiness in little things, like a good book, playing with my dolls or spending time with my brother listening to music or butterfly hunting.

January 30, 2017

When Life Humbles You

I have not written a blog article in about a month because life took the time to humble me.

When I began my blogging journey I had lofty ideals to help others to heal from abuse and trauma.  While my goal hasn’t changed, my approach has changed since I’ve come to realize that I may not be as healed as I had convinced myself of being.

This realization awakened a part of me that refused to accept that I was still in denial about certain things from my past.

The most difficult and heartbreaking realization came when I finally acknowledged the scars on my body.

December 15, 2016

How Did This Happen

My blog is about healing and surviving severe emotional and mental abuse as a child.  My goal is to help others to heal, or hopefully offer motivation that no matter how bad things get, we can grow and reinvent ourselves no matter what life throws at us.

I hope to achieve my goal by being completely honest with all aspects of my life, no matter how embarrassing.  Healing from emotional and mental abuse is not pretty or like in the movies, where we have a sudden revelation and everything has changed.

It’s a journey of constant inner reflection and very painful self admissions of our own dysfunctional behaviors and thought processes.

One aspect of my life which I have not shared yet is that I’m a smoker.  Recently I’ve been getting the urge to quit smoking.  However, having spent my life dedicated to healing from emotional and mental abuse, I knew it wasn’t going to be a question of simple will power.