May 16, 2016

When Mothers Prostitute Their Daughters

Because mother threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone what happened at home, I never spoke to anyone about what mother and Grace did to me.  Through emotional alienation I came to believe that no one else experienced what I had, except maybe people who were like me, mistakes that were never meant to be born.

When my best friend, Rosa, almost succeeded in taking her own life by ingesting all of her mother's prescription medication, I was in shock.  Her mother seemed so nice.  I had spent many days at Rosa's home and knew that her mother encouraged her with her dreams.  I had seen how lovingly her mother gushed about how proud she was of Rosa for being an honor student.

Rosa's mother never beat her or told her that she was ugly, worthless or stupid.  She had never told Rosa that she was a mistake that she never wanted.  She told Rosa every night that she loved her.

What I didn't know was that Rosa's mother was an alcoholic who drank heavily every night.  I didn't know that Rosa's mother brought home different men from the bar she went to every weekend.  I didn't know that Rosa's mother would charge men she brought home a fee for having sex with her daughter.  I didn't know that Rosa's mother began selling her daughter for sex when she was only five years old.

Rosa attempted to take her own life the day after her mother had brought home three men that had paid to have sex with Rosa.  She couldn't take it anymore and decided death was a better option.

Rosa didn't succeed in her suicide attempt and spent the rest of her teen years in foster care.  She would spend the majority of her life in therapy and never married or had children.

When I learned of Rosa's attempted suicide I was overcome with emotions that ranged from shock, sadness, fear and relief that she was alive.

I also felt a sense of comfort learning about Rosa's situation.  While I felt disgusted by what her mother had done to her, it was comforting to learn that I wasn't alone.  There were others in pain just like me.

I also developed a distorted sense of reality.  Even though Rosa was the only other person I knew who had been harmed by her mother, I came to believe that everyone was harmed by their parents and what was happening to me was normal.

I developed this distorted sense of reality because while Rosa's mother had prostituted her own daughter, I believed she was still a loving mother who was proud of her daughter and encouraged her to pursue her dream of becoming a symphony flutist.

Since my damaged mind perceived Rosa's mother as loving, despite what she had done to Rosa, I believed that parents harming their children was normal.

I no longer felt that it was necessary to share my pain with anyone.  Instead I felt comforted knowing that every kid was suffering just like me.  I was convinced that everyone thought about killing themselves sooner or later.

I was so desperate to feel normal it never occurred to me that the explanations I was feeding myself made no sense.  I didn't allow myself to question why there weren't dead kids everywhere that had killed themselves because of their parents.  I didn't allow myself to question why there were so many kids that were genuinely happy.  I didn't allow myself to question why my mother had to threaten to kill me if what she was doing was normal.

Having been told my entire life that I was worthless and stupid, I managed to use Rosa's tragedy to feel superior and smarter.  While I had thought about taking my own life, the idea of making my mother and Grace happy through my death always stopped me.  Realizing that I was able to deny giving my mother and Grace joy by committing suicide, made me feel superior and smarter than Rosa, who couldn't stop herself.

Since I liked feeling superior and smarter than Rosa, I would develop a dysfunctional behavioral pattern where I would judge others in order to make myself feel better.

While I rarely voiced my judgmental thoughts, I would constantly mentally judge everyone.  I would find anything to mentally judge someone as stupid or weak in order to make myself feel smarter or more superior.

My damaged mind didn't realize that while judging others made me feel better about myself, it was always temporary.  I would judge others to get a temporary emotional high.

I was so addicted to mentally judging others and getting my emotional highs, I didn't realize that my judgmental thoughts were abusive in nature and that I was in danger of becoming a product of my environment.

As I grew older and made the library my second home while I submerged myself in any and all books regarding human psychology, I began to realize that if I continued on a path of temporary emotional highs through judging others as inferior, I would never heal and become emotionally or mentally healthy.

In fact, by mentally judging others and determining everyone to be inferior to me, I was further harming myself because this mentally destructive pattern kept me from recognizing positive people that were entering my life.  Positive people that I could have been learning from if I hadn't been addicted to mentally feeling superior to others.

I knew I had to immediately stop judging others to make myself feel better.  It was difficult and painful because it meant accepting that I was the one who was inferior because I was mentally and emotionally dysfunctional and I had no idea who I was.

Once I allowed myself to accept that I was extremely broken mentally and emotionally, I was able to start seeing attributes in others that I wanted to learn.  I was able to recognize positive strong people that entered my life and began learning from them.

With time I was able to look back on my life and see how each year of my life became better.  I was able to see how I had grown and changed.  I was able to see how I was healing. 

Almost 35 years later, today when I drive I very often grumble under my breath how stupid other drivers are, feeling superior with my awesome driving skills.   I always end up laughing at myself because I don't believe my own accusations toward humanity, it's just something I do when I drive.  Many times I will smile and say to myself, "You're so stupid," and I realize what an amazing journey my life has been.

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