Because mother threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone what
happened at home, I never spoke to anyone about what mother and Grace did to
me. Through emotional alienation I came
to believe that no one else experienced what I had, except maybe people who
were like me, mistakes that were never meant to be born.
When my best friend, Rosa, almost succeeded in taking her own
life by ingesting all of her mother's prescription medication, I was in
shock. Her mother seemed so nice. I had spent many days at Rosa's home and knew
that her mother encouraged her with her dreams.
I had seen how lovingly her mother gushed about how proud she was of
Rosa for being an honor student.
Rosa's mother never beat her or told her that she was ugly,
worthless or stupid. She had never told
Rosa that she was a mistake that she never wanted. She told Rosa every night that she loved her.
What I didn't know was that Rosa's mother was an alcoholic who
drank heavily every night. I didn't know
that Rosa's mother brought home different men from the bar she went to every
weekend. I didn't know that Rosa's
mother would charge men she brought home a fee for having sex with her
daughter. I didn't know that Rosa's
mother began selling her daughter for sex when she was only five years old.
Rosa attempted to take her own life the day after her mother had
brought home three men that had paid to have sex with Rosa. She couldn't take it anymore and decided
death was a better option.
Rosa didn't succeed in her suicide attempt and spent the rest of
her teen years in foster care. She would
spend the majority of her life in therapy and never married or had children.
When I learned of Rosa's attempted suicide I was overcome with
emotions that ranged from shock, sadness, fear and relief that she was alive.
I also felt a sense of comfort learning about Rosa's
situation. While I felt disgusted by
what her mother had done to her, it was comforting to learn that I wasn't
alone. There were others in pain just
like me.
I also developed a distorted sense of reality. Even though Rosa was the only other person I
knew who had been harmed by her mother, I came to believe that everyone was
harmed by their parents and what was happening to me was normal.
I developed this distorted sense of reality because while Rosa's
mother had prostituted her own daughter, I believed she was still a loving
mother who was proud of her daughter and encouraged her to pursue her dream of
becoming a symphony flutist.
Since my damaged mind perceived Rosa's mother as loving, despite
what she had done to Rosa, I believed that parents harming their children was
normal.
I no longer felt that it was necessary to share my pain with
anyone. Instead I felt comforted knowing
that every kid was suffering just like me.
I was convinced that everyone thought about killing themselves sooner or
later.
I was so desperate to feel normal it never occurred to me that
the explanations I was feeding myself made no sense. I didn't allow myself to question why there
weren't dead kids everywhere that had killed themselves because of their
parents. I didn't allow myself to
question why there were so many kids that were genuinely happy. I didn't allow myself to question why my
mother had to threaten to kill me if what she was doing was normal.
Having been told my entire life that I was worthless and stupid,
I managed to use Rosa's tragedy to feel superior and smarter. While I had thought about taking my own life,
the idea of making my mother and Grace happy through my death always stopped
me. Realizing that I was able to deny
giving my mother and Grace joy by committing suicide, made me feel superior and
smarter than Rosa, who couldn't stop herself.
Since I liked feeling superior and smarter than Rosa, I would
develop a dysfunctional behavioral pattern where I would judge others in order
to make myself feel better.
While I rarely voiced my judgmental thoughts, I would constantly
mentally judge everyone. I would find
anything to mentally judge someone as stupid or weak in order to make myself
feel smarter or more superior.
My damaged mind didn't realize that while judging others made me
feel better about myself, it was always temporary. I would judge others to get a temporary
emotional high.
I was so addicted to mentally judging others and getting my
emotional highs, I didn't realize that my judgmental thoughts were abusive in
nature and that I was in danger of becoming a product of my environment.
As I grew older and made the library my second home while I
submerged myself in any and all books regarding human psychology, I began to
realize that if I continued on a path of temporary emotional highs through
judging others as inferior, I would never heal and become emotionally or
mentally healthy.
In fact, by mentally judging others and determining everyone to
be inferior to me, I was further harming myself because this mentally
destructive pattern kept me from recognizing positive people that were entering
my life. Positive people that I could
have been learning from if I hadn't been addicted to mentally feeling superior
to others.
I knew I had to immediately stop judging others to make myself
feel better. It was difficult and
painful because it meant accepting that I was the one who was inferior because
I was mentally and emotionally dysfunctional and I had no idea who I was.
Once I allowed myself to accept that I was extremely broken
mentally and emotionally, I was able to start seeing attributes in others that
I wanted to learn. I was able to
recognize positive strong people that entered my life and began learning from
them.
With time I was able to look back on my life and see how each
year of my life became better. I was
able to see how I had grown and changed.
I was able to see how I was healing.
Almost 35 years later, today when I drive I very often grumble
under my breath how stupid other drivers are, feeling superior with my awesome
driving skills. I always end up
laughing at myself because I don't believe my own accusations toward humanity,
it's just something I do when I drive.
Many times I will smile and say to myself, "You're so stupid,"
and I realize what an amazing journey my life has been.
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