March 2, 2017

I Did What?

I really liked my job at the car dealership, not only because of the nice people I worked with, but because I felt like I accomplished something at the end of the day and I felt needed in some small way. 

Having worked at the car dealership I knew I wanted to find another job that was similar, but maybe a company where I could grow.  It wasn't going to be as easy since I was too scared to use the car dealership as a reference.  I assumed after my sister called my boss and lied about me being evil, they wouldn't give me a good reference.

I did my best to concentrate all my time on finding another job and stay out of my mother and sister’s way as much as possible.  It wasn't easy because every time I left home to go look for a job, I came back home to questions about where I had been and accusations that I was sneaking off to meet the boy from church. 

Eventually Grace grew tired of convincing mother that I was sneaking around to meet boys to have sex.  It wasn't having the effect on mother that she hoped for.  It was time for Grace to come up with a better plan.

While I was thankful that the accusations of sneaking around to meet boys had stopped, I was on emotional high alert when slowly mother's belongings began missing.  Initially, when she couldn't find her favorite silk scarf to wear to church I figured she must have misplaced it.  When something of mother's began to go missing each week, and when Grace began complaining that she couldn't find some of her jewelry, I began to worry.

When mother couldn't find her pearl ring our father gave her as an engagement ring, her paranoia went into high gear.  She became frightened the men in the big black car that were supposedly following her around were coming into our home when she was at work to take her belongings.  Grace told mother it couldn't be the men following her because her jewelry was missing too.  Grace assured mother that she would find out what was happening.

When I came home one day from job hunting, I was initially relieved when I saw a shoebox on the coffee table that had all of mother's and Grace's missing items in it.  Mother wasn't home from work yet and when I asked Grace where the missing items had been, she told me it was best to wait until mother came home.  That's when I knew Grace had been stealing things from mother and herself to frame me.  This time I felt Grace wouldn’t win because I was rarely ever home alone, which meant I wouldn’t be able to steal things.  However, Grace was home alone every day until she went to work in the evenings at the lounge.

I felt confident that I would be able to prove my innocence this time to mother, except I had not anticipated how warped my sister's mind was.  When she told mother I had stolen everything, I was initially surprised when mother said that was impossible since I was never home alone.  Grace informed mother that she had taken it upon herself to spy on me.  She went on to tell mother how she watched me get up in the middle of the night, and quietly sneak into mother's room while she was sleeping and steal things.

Grace told mother that at first it looked like I was sleeping, but one night she saw my face clearly and knew that I was possessed by the evil demon inside of me.  She told mother that I looked like the dead with my eyes rolled back into my head and veins in my face and neck popping out.  She told mother that she wanted to stop me, but was too scared when she saw that I was being controlled by a demon.

Mother looked horrified by Grace's story of how I was being controlled by a demon while I slept and stealing things from her while she was sleeping.  Mother began crying and saying over and over how she knew I was evil and sent to destroy her.  I was in shock and left speechless.  I couldn't understand how my mother could believe such an absurd story.  It was so insane I felt my own sanity slipping, especially when Grace added that there was no telling what I was capable of doing while they slept helplessly in their beds.

The accusations didn't stop.  Instead, they intensified.  Our mother had become officially scared of me and bought a deadbolt lock for her bedroom so I couldn't hurt her while she slept.  Grace told mother almost daily how she saw me walking in my sleep, controlled by a demon, trying to get into her room.  Grace claimed she heard me mumbling under my breath in a demonic voice that mother was a bitch that needed to die.

What was left of the sane part of my mind knew that Grace was getting revenge for thinking I had never been molested by our father.  She didn't care what she was doing to mother because she was getting revenge for mother staying with our father after he molested her.  The sane part of mind knew that Grace had grown into a very sick and dangerous woman.  The mostly damaged part of my mind wondered if there was any truth to her insane accusations.

For many years to follow, if someone at work said they couldn't find something in their office, or if I was at a friend's home and they couldn't find something, I immediately felt that they were accusing me.  I would find myself wondering if maybe I was possessed and stealing things from people without knowing it.  It was getting difficult for me to distinguish what was insane and what was normal.

Because it had been engrained in my mind that I was born evil, and possibly controlled by a demonic force, when I was in my early twenties and watched a move about the devil manipulating a man to do his bidding, I could barely sleep for a week.  I was scared that by watching the movie I awakened the evil forces that mother and Grace said were controlling me.  I waited, terrified every night, to be possessed and commit horrendous acts.

Of course nothing happened.  I didn’t become possessed and I never committed any horrendous acts.
The sane part of my mind knew that everything my mother and sister said about me being born evil was a lie, but the damaged part of my mind stayed on alert for years, just in case the sane part of my mind was wrong.

Thirty Nine years later, I know I wasn’t born evil, and there’s nothing evil in me, except when I’m in a really bad mood, I have a bad habit of being rude and curt with strangers, and when driving, I accuse all other drivers of being idiots.  I’m not sure that makes me evil.  Maybe just a little bit stupid.

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